Retold: Hansel And Gretel
by Skeptica
Summary: Hmm. They say Hansel & Gretel were lured into a gingerbread cottage by a wicked old witch... but what really did happen? Chapter 4's up. What will they do now! D
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hmm. This was originally for my language arts portfolio and my younger cousin. Thought I'd upload it and edit along the way though. A bit lame and first chapter's a bit short, but anw R&R please!****

Retold: Hansel & Gretel

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in a far away land were two naughty, greedy kids. Their father had locked them in a shed deep in the forest for stealing two loaves of bread. He had planned on bringing them home that night – a day in the shed was punishment enough. However, they had both escaped through a new hole in the wall.

How? Well, remember they were GREEDY kids, and greedy kids feel hungry even after eating two whole loaves of bread. Two, hungry, greedy kids trapped in a shed built of damp wood with algae all over is never a good combination. Hansel and Gretel did what seemed to be the most obvious solution to their problems – they ate a hole out of the shed.

"Gretel, this is good stuff… like biscuits with blue cheese spread on top."

"Yes, let's take some along in case we get hungry later on!"

So saying, she grabbed a handful of termites, broke off two pieces of the roof, and a bit of the windowpane too. Was she going to eat the glass too? Of course not! It was for scrapping off a bit of moss from a log as vegetable supplements because, 'mummy always says we should eat our greens and have a balanced diet.'

A few hours after leaving the shed, they came to a winding road made of honeycombs. Being greedy and curious kids, they went followed the path, eating it as they went. It was not long before they came to a gingerbread cottage.

"Hansel, this is almost as good as your imitation blue cheese!"

Hansel was too busy stuffing his mouth with chocolate to reply. Gretel immediately broke off to pieces of the gingerbread roof – yes, Gretel loves breaking off roofs – and put the bit of moss she collected earlier in between two slabs of gingerbread. Hansel helped her add an extra termite for the 'taste'.

Suddenly, they heard someone moving on the other side of the chocolate door Gretel was eating.

"Quick! Gretel, hide somewhere!"

They knew eating the house was stealing, destruction of property AND they were trespassing. Not wanting to get caught for these criminal offences, they immediately ran and hid behind a bush.

After what seemed like a dozen years later, an old lady with horribly exaggerated features hobbled out from behind the door with a horribly twisted walking stick in her hand.

"Who has been eating my house? Not the crows again…!" She creamed, brandishing the walking stick.

Gretel gasped.

"That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen!" She whispered.

"Yeah…"

"I bet she is a witch!"

"Mm… her nose kinda resembles a carrot…"

"Hansel, you're making me hungry!"

"Let's eat her!"

However, the old woman had gone back into the house by the time they had finished their mini conversation.

"I'm sure we could eat our way through the house… appetizer…"

"No, Gretel, we should be moving on."

"But I'm hungry…"

Hansel looked at his younger sister in despair. Crows squawked in the background. His eyes lit up showing he had thought of a plan. They set off on a nearby path leaving a trail of bird bones behind.

---

Gretel peered closely at the sign.

"Hansel, look!"

"Land of the Candies and other treats! What a mouthful."

"No, I mean, look!"

Hansel looked hard and finally understood what his sister was driving at.

"Oh, my gosh – Gretel! It's made of a giant butter biscuit!"

"I thought it was shortbread."

"Who cares? It looks edible."

Now, Hansel was just about to reply, when the most magnificent sight caught his eye.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Can't go into making them sick in the land of candies and other treats because I had already completed this chapter… :x maybe I could add it later when Hansel gets… :P

****

Retold: Hansel & Gretel

Chapter 2

"Gretel! A flying roast pig!"

Gretel was far too stunned to say anything. Hansel – never the one to let a good meal to slip by – grabbed his drooling sister by the arm and pulled her in the direction the pig had soared towards.

"Come on, Gretel. I don't think it belongs to anyone now. If we get to it first, it's ours!"

"Flying roast pig…"

"Yes, it'll be ours!"

"Flying roast pig…"

"Gretel, you've got to walk, I can't drag you forever."

"Flying roast pig…"

Hansel let go of his sister who miraculously managed to stand on her two feet for a few seconds, – though swaying slightly – before jerking off on the path of the flying roast pig (this is weird?). From a distance, Gretel looked like a crazed zombie. Up close, it was worse because you could see the hungry expression on her face and the fact that she had drooled all over her blouse…

"Flying roast pig…"

After an hour's worth of walking, they finally reached the roast pig. It had come to a sudden stop as it flew past the roof of the ugly old woman's gingerbread cottage. Gretel was staring sadly at the pig resting atop the chimney.

"How do we get it down, Gretel?"

"I could climb."

"You've never done that before!"

"I could do it for the roast pig."

"You couldn't!"

"I could… can."

Hansel watched in fascination as his sister scaled the walls of the cottage. She was doing surprisingly well, and Hansel had no doubt she would soon reach the pig – and she would have, if not for the unfortunate fact that she had placed her foot in a spot where the roof should have been – but was not, because she had broken that part off earlier that afternoon.

Hansel rushed over to his fallen sister.

"Gretel, are you all right?"

"Mmhmm…"

"How many fingers am I holding up?" (four by the way)

"F..F.. Flying roast pig?"

"Gretel?"

"Roast pig!"

"Gretel, don't go mad!"

"Roast pig!"

"AHHH! Don't go mad, wake up, Gretel, wake up!"

"No, no, no, you fool! I'm not mad, the pig fell down the chimney! It's gone!"

Hansel immediately turned and stared at the roof. The pig was indeed mostly gone, except for a curly thing that seemed to be it's broken tail. Hansel glanced at his sister and realized that she seemed to be devising some way to get the tail down – no doubt to eat it. The two of them were so deep in thought that they didn't realize a window sliding opening.

"Hello, my children. I have been watching the two of you for quite a while and it appears you have come here for the roast pig, no?"

The two startled children immediately turned to face the old woman.

"Children? You have come for some roast pig have you not?"

"Why, yes, we have." Gretel answered. Hansel said nothing, but just stared at the old woman, a strange expression on his face.

"Well, the two of you may join me. I can't finish a whole roast pig on my own. Poor dears, you look half starved!"

"Thank you!"

The old woman gave them a brilliant smile and hobbled to open the door. Gretel dragged the stupefied Hansel – who seemed quite frozen, minus the ice – who made no movement until the moment they passed the old woman by the door, whereupon he made a sudden lunge for her nose.

"Good heavens, child! Are you okay?"

"He is quite so, Madam." Replied Gretel, who was always polite to anyone offering them a free meal.

She dragged a struggling Hansel into the gingerbread cottage as the old woman swung the door shut with a faint smile on her lips.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: OK:D Hmm. So, where shall Hansel's next destiation be :P Do give a few suggestions - maybe the Land of Candies and other Treats? Or a different world? I have a few in mind already ;)

**Retold: Hansel & Gretel**

**Chapter 3**

"This roast pig is delicious!"

The old woman smiled at Gretel.

"I'm glad you like it, chi – argh!"

"Hansel!"

Hansel – who seemed to have lost all interest in the roast pig – had predictably taken another lunge at the old woman's nose.

"That's the ninth time he has attempted to kiss me," said the old woman, who still had no idea Hansel was really trying to bite her nose off. " I'm getting rather annoyed with him. Isn't there anything we can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Hansel usually gets what he wants at home."

"What an ill mannered child!"

"Well… we could lock him up some where first, if you want."

"Is that really all right?"

"Happens all the time."

"Well then…"

The old woman Gretel and a still struggling Hansel to a small room. A small room full of bones.

"Eek! What do you need so many bones for?"

"Oh. Collecting animal bones was an old habit of mine. Don't do it anymore though."

"Oh, yes. I'm sure that thing-that-looks-like-a-human-skull is not-actually-a-human-skull."

The old woman appeared not to have heard Gretel, though.

"You can leave him in here."

"Wha…? In here?"

"Apt for a boy like him!"

Gretel was not too sure if it was a good idea, but she left Hansel in the room as the old woman instructed anyway.

"Now, we can have our dinner in peace. Aren't you happy?" The old woman asked as they made their way back for their meal.

"Yes. Only I don't think it's a smart, leaving Hansel by himself. Especially in a room full of bones."

"We will be having a guest after dinner," the old woman appeared not to have heard what Gretel had said.

"Who is he?"

"My son."

"Nice guy?"

"Yes, but a most terrible parent."

They had their dinner in silence, although for some reason, Gretel found that the roast pig did not taste half as good as before. She missed home, and she felt bad about leaving Hansel alone in that room. There was a knock on the door, and the old woman stood up.

"That must be him. Clear up, will you dear? And prepare some tea."

Gretel nodded her head and carried the plates to the kitchen.

"Thomas! What is wrong with you? And where are your children?"

"I… don't know." Came a sad reply.

Back at the kitchen, Gretel had stopped washing the dishes.

_That familiar voice…_

"What? Are my grand children unwilling to visit their poor, frail grandmother now that she has finally moved to a place closer?"

"No… I mean…"

_Gretel started running towards the door._

"Papa!"

There was a short silence as father and daughter stared at each other in what can be described as shcok and happiness. Grandma just stared at the two of them, puzzled... ♀papa(. ) ( .)gretel♀ (centre is grandmas eyes &symbols do not denote gender)

"Gretel…! I thought you were lost! I've been searching all evening!"

"Papa… you've been crying…"

"Excuse me, dears, but could someone please explain what is going on?"

"Oh… so that's it. Really, Thomas, how could you lock them up like that? No wonder Gretel was telling me it was a common occurrence."

"She did?" Thomas asked, smiling at Gretel. "Well, she might be right. Anyway, where's my son, Hansel?"

"Oh, my gosh, he's still in the room! He's been locked up for ages!" Gretel exclaimed running off, closely followed by her papa and grandmother.

"Oh dear…"

"Dearie me…"

The three of them stared at the new hole in the gingerbread wall…


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Uh huh. Looong update I know, but the story must go on! 'm not starting anymore new stories until I complete the current ones I have! Weeeeee! Can Gretel keep a clalm state of mind? Like all fairy tales go… of course not!

**Retold: Hansel & Gretel**

**Chapter 4**

Mmmhmm.

A fork in the road – one leading to the Land of Candies And other Treats, another to the Land of Little Horrors. Which should he choose? It was a really, really difficult decision to make. Like all young boys of his age, he craved adventure and the chance to slay a few demons and save damsels in distress. How heroic could venturing to the Land of Candies and other Treats be? Surely, the path to glory was through the Land of Litle Horrors.

And yet, here comes Hansel's little problem – no, huge dilemma, rather – Hansel, like all young kids, had a very, very sweet tooth.

Oh, which should he choose?

Hansel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The smell of danger and the sweet smell of sugary goodies wafted over to his nose, mingling together.

Hansel took a step forward.

And another…

And another…

* * *

"HOLY PIG (this is as far as sweraing, goes)! I can't believe Hansel ate a hole through the wall!" 

"Well, he was hungry, I suppose."

"My dear, look closely. It's only Gingerbread on the outside. The inside of this is completely made of plaster! How else do you think I keep pesky little kids from… ahem."

Gretel looked at her grandmother with suspicion.

"What, gramma? Keep pesky little kids from what?" It was strange how calling the old woman before her Gramma came so easily so soon after finding out the fact.

"Umm... nothing my dear." Old woman/ Gramma said with an all too convincing smile.

"Well," she said louder, quickly changing the topic, "I think we should start searching for Hansel then, don't you think?"

"Yes, of course," Papa beamed."I know just how to start. Hansel has always been such a messy eater, and I'm so glad it seems to be coming in handy. It kind of makes me feel guilty reprimanding him about that so often... anyway, folowing those should lead us to Hansel, don't you think? Of course not! You hadn't spooted that, huh. Haha! Papa's brains are saving the day, once again!"

Papa looked so really pleased with himself as he pointed at the trail of gingerbread crumbs and plaster a distance away that Gretel did not quite have the heart to tell him that anyone could have made such a simple deduction. Somehow, papa still thoguht her the child from barely a year ago whom he saved form the Big Bad Wolf who was posingn as Aunt Granny. (Yes, Granny was the name of their Aunt. Why she was named as such, Gretel honestly had no idea, except that it was kind of funny watching people's confused expressions when she said, "Hi! This is my Aunt, but she really prefers if you call her Granny!")

So they followed the trail.

"OH BLOW! The trail ends here! Some yummy crows must have eaten the rest of the crumb path to Hansel!"

"Thankfully, I know that this is a straight path all the way to a fork in the road somewhere further down. You see, Hansel has not strayed from the main path even once!" Granny mused.

Gretel fumed at not having realized that earlier. She was used to beng the fastest at spotting things. "Well, what do we do at the fork since there is nothing left for us to follow, then?"

"We walk there… and decide." Papa smiled encouragingly, offering his piece of advice.

And so they trudged-skipped on.

(Papa skipped. Gretel trudged. Gramma trudged-skipped.)

Mmmhmm.

So they reached the fork in the road.

"Do you think Hansel went to the Land of Candies and other Treats? Or the Land of Little Horrors?" Gramma asked.

"Definitely the Land of Little Horrors!" Papa said enthusiastically.

"What do you think, Gretel? You know Hansel best."

" Usually, I'd believe him to go to the Land of Candies and other Treats, Gramma. He is a real sucker for sweet things. Yet, of late he's been wishing to save damsels in distress. "

"Therefore?"

Gretel raised her hand to point in the right direction but abruptly stopped. Out of the corner of her eye, she had spotted…

"I believe he would have strayed off the path into the woods on the left, Gramma."

"Are you most sure, Gretel?"

"Positive!" Gretel shouted, running off on her own into the woods already. Papa and Gramma could barely keep up with her. Gretel was humming a happy tune. Gramma was shouting something, but Gretel could hardly hear her.

For… she had just spotted her most gigantic walking roast pig!


End file.
